WTF, WHERE The F, Did The Time Go?

Officially, I have three weeks until the Fall term is over. Within the next three weeks, I will be running an event on campus and putting together a presentation on it, doing an ECG lab and taking a final, and finishing the rest of an online class. Since the start of the term, I have been trying to take it project by project, and it's worked so far! The next three weeks are going to be a rush but it's all doable and I've got to remind myself of that.

Time goes by so fast sometimes.

I am proud of the accomplishments I have made within the last 8 weeks. The biggest one that will set me up for success is that I have found a site to intern at. It's near home and with someone who I think I'll get along with. Another few accomplishments are ones like not having any late assignments, getting a 95 on my first physiology test, and putting a bulletin board up. These are the school and future-related things I am proud of doing.

On a more personal level, I have managed to decrease my anxiety and depression. In the last couple of weeks, it has been slowly fading. I am at ease with my emotional life being lighter and less down. I feel like I am a lot more relaxed in general and I am able to think more clearly. BABY, MY INSPIRATION, MUSE, and LIFE IS COMING BACK! (The overthinker in me hopes that it doesn't become too good.)

I've acquired a nose stud. It's something I've wanted for a while now and I finally have it. I'm super excited about having a little edge on the outside glitter. Intelligent people can wear glitter on their faces. It's fine. I am adoring it. Within a couple of days wearing it, I feel like it has given me a boost of confidence. It's interesting how something little like jewelry can do that.

What else is there to talk about?

People and seasons. I've always enjoyed how people come in and out of my life like seasons. I tend not to be too emotionally connected to them but I will always hold them in my heart. People are special. Even if they hurt you in the end. It's like trauma situations. They suck but there is a silver lining. Same thing applies to humans!

Twenty-two and still can't drive but I think I'll change that soon. I do have a neat stud though. (; CAN WE PLEASE SLOW DOWN TIME TOO?...

Thankful for the friend I saw today. The coffee bean worker who is a kinder soul bought me coffee . I think he will go far. Thankful for my little ray of a sister as well and my better mental health.

Hormones

I said something the other day to someone about crying a lot becuase of the hormones in my body. I am now distracted by a ladybug who just so happened to land on a nearby ledge. A little sign of hope or luck in these times of high hormonal build up. It seems that before and after getting my period I get sad. Everything makes me cry. Yesterday, something upset me and today I can't help to tear up at words, music, and the thoughts in my head. I cry a lot. I think that's how I tend to cope with my emotions too.

Referring back to what I said in my last post about crying if you need to regardless of whether you have time or not is relevant. I want to cry becuase it helps me feel better. I think I am someone who is emotionally inclined! I want to cry more tears than I have left in my body. Build up of hormones could definitely make depression seem more dramatic.

Just putting it out there. Everyone has estrogen and testosterone. Males have more testosterone than females who are primarily estrogen heavy. I state this because someone pointed out females don't have testosterone so they get attached and fall in love and males don't because they have it. I'm calling bullshit.

I think I need more of these random non-directive posts in my life. It just feels good to spill out what is in my head on a platform that "put's it out into the world."

I took swings of my coffee to try and wake my TIRED, HORMONAL, AND ANXIOUS mind for the meeting I am about to have with one of my professors. I think all three of those things are closely related in terms of physiology. One affects the other affecting the other. Coffee probably isn't REALLY helping but oh well.

Random Bits of Fucked

When I was 16 I use to do a post series on one of my blogs called random rambles. I'm not sure if I officially named in that but they were posts that had more than one topic in them, no direction, and simply vomited my thoughts out into the universe. I think this is what my mind needs today. To see the thoughts that are floating around in my mind in words on a blog.

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I am negative enough in my own mind that when others spill their negativity or bad attitude out into the world I say I don't need that and move myself to somewhere where they are not. One of the therapists I had, once told me that coping mechanisms are formed during childhood. The more I thought about how my childhood coping mechanisms show up in my daily life the more I realized how fucked I was. When I was a child, I could only handle so much attention to me that when my parents threw me birthday parties with all my friends it wasn't long until I walked myself to a room with no one to cry. I still walk away from situations that I'm done with to cry in hopes of making it evident that I need to leave. Childhood me could have chosen a better way to cope than crying. 

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The internet says there is no time to be sad if you are a boss babe but I think that's bullshit. I think that if being sad is what I have to do in order to feel better than I should do it. I'll just have to try not to stay in the sad cycle for too long. Someone, please tell me why others think there's no time for emotions? Those make humans human! That's not what I want. The highs are lows are necessary to maintain emotional wellbeing. 

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I have my first advanced physiology test in a week and I am already studied out. This topic makes me feel defeated. In another of my classes, I got put into a group with someone who had admitted to wanted to give me their world and also got rejected by me. I'm so in my head around this person.

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Pathetic is me growing romantic connections with people I haven't met. This person is practically trapped inside my phone and will most likely never be around to actually hang out with me. So that's pretty fucked up. Thank you internet for cursing me with the mindset that people I haven't met in person are just as real as people I have met.

As if I needed someone fictional in my life to daydream about. At least this fits my super introverted and sometimes very busy lifestyle.

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22 years of age and im getting distracted by things like tic toc, instagram, snapchat, and youtube. Could I be anymore not put together? 

Overwhelming Overload

I am three days away from starting what I hope will be my last year of college. Summer depression has kicked me in the gut hard and I am questioning my ability to get back into the routine of a busy school year. Can I do it? Will I make it out alive? It sounds daunting as of now.

I always have nerves about starting new things/projects. An overwhelming overload of ideas and expectations make their way to my mind before I can figure out the first couple of steps. It feels like it's always been that way for me. I get so caught up in the major projects that I forget to simply take the task step by step.

Planning out words in my head before I say the first couple is something I am guilty of doing. Since I was little I'd plan my answer to the question the teacher was asking before she had the chance to call anyone or me. Not one breath of air would make it to my lungs until I was in the clear. A lot of my life now has a similar plot.

My body becomes tense when I think of the future. I don't see things step by step. I just see the big and fearful milestones I have to reach eventually. This kind of thinking makes it seem impossible to get there. And although worrying won't solve it, in some messed up way, worrying is part of my process. It may not be healthy but that's how I've gotten through it.

A few self reminders//
I am going into a classroom of people who I know are supportive of me.
Not look too far ahead into the syllabus and due dates
Dance it out when I need a small amount of feel better
It's okay to be awkward- it's cute
Life will figure itself out. I am where I need to be at this moment

Playlist Stalking

M U S I C.

It's been on my mind. I think I learn about someone by the music they listen to... and especially the playlists they create. Playlist stalking is a new hobby I've been exploring. I follow a few of my friends on Spotify and recently I have been snooping through their public playlists. (Don't tell on me!) Hours have faded away listening to the playlists of other humans.

Music tells a story that is deeper than what someone can share. That's what I love about this newfound hobby. I feel as if I am reading someone's diary without having to endure the details. Music is personal without being invasive. The general concept of someone's lives is outlined through the melodies and the message of the song's words. Their soul flows through the music they listen to.

Some songs make me feel so intensely that music doesn't seem real. How is it possible that the words sung by a human I've never met make emotions that have been stored in the deepest parts of my soul shine. This is what I'm thinking about on a Thursday afternoon. I don't have much else to do anyway. I discovered a song that someone else has emotional ties to and I find myself loving that song- wanting to hold it, and I think of how the other person listening to that song is maybe, feelings something similar.

Music is powerful and I guess that's why I've been loving listening to the songs others have been listening to. I'm trying to find similarities and connections in a world that I've felt is lacking those things. I'm secretly looking for people with souls like mine but I'm too scared to admit to doing that out loud and in obvious ways. I look for deeper in the things people chose to place into their lives like music.

Playlists being little chapters of someone's life-- that I will uncover in secret. 

Awkward {Kisses}

1// Girls Gotta Eat's podcast reminded me of one of the most awkward kisses I've had. First and foremost, the first prize winner of awkward kisses I've had goes to the lifeguard whose kiss was the temperature of a lukewarm chlorine puddle at the side of the pool. Take your prize, my dude. (Yes, this is harsh since it was his first time touching lips with someone else.)

2// The guy I am reminded of is the guy who kissed me close-lipped like one might kiss a frog. I went in for a cute quick parted lip locked kiss and his lips got stuck in the middle of mine. Both of his lips. Come to think about it, they were thin. People say a first kiss can make or break something and in this case, it wiped away one of the cutest dates I've been on. I just couldn't get the kiss out of my mind. 

Months later, tonight, I remembered a small detail about this kiss that made me laugh out loud and cringe on the inside. Days before the date and the kiss we texted, WE had a conversation about first kisses. I dug a hole for myself by saying tounge on the first kiss is a no go. Which to this day, personally, I don't enjoy on date one (it's not classy) but I got kissed with closed lips like this guy was a germaphobe all because I had texted no tongue might have been worse.

3// "We're parked outside of your house with your mother home though," I said to the guy who was then going to introduce me to his mother on our first date. Today and about a year and a half later he is receiving the third most awkward kiss award. 

This guy wanted to introduce me to his mother after we had spent maybe a few hours together. I've now discovered that meeting parents on the first date is a red flag. There we were parked outside of his house in his car about to kiss. After the kiss had happened he said something along the lines of that being a terrible first kiss because he felt like his nerves got to him. I could not have agreed more with him, but everyone makes mistakes, right? I let him try again and guess what, it didn't get any better. The thought of meeting his mother on our FRIST date had blocked out any enjoyment I would have had kissing him.

NOTES: Tounges a no go and please, leave the nerves out of kisses and mothers out of first dates.  

WTF I'm Twenty Something

I am sitting in the corner of my bedroom on the carpet and I'm talking to a friend who seems to be going through a little of what I've been feeling lately. Overwhelmed by time slipping away and not knowing where to go and what to do. Something about being in my twenties makes me want to sit in the corner of my room, provided by my mother, all day long. Sitting here on the carpet seems safe.

Being twenty-something is a huge WTF. One day I woke up (all of a sudden!) an age where I am considered an adult, am suppose to be working, have my shit somewhat together, and learn how to live independently. I don't know how to do any of that and I think that a lot of others don't know how to do that either. The ones that seem to be doing it are faking it, I'm convinced. I want to stay a child all my life but at the same time, I want to see the world, do this thing called growing up, and "live it up," but I'm scared. Life after graduation makes me want to run too. Working for the rest of my life sounds dreadful. What does it even mean to be twenty-something?

This blog post reminds me of some of my very first blog posts. Rambly with somewhat of a point but not directed in any way. I was maybe 14 when I first blogged the weird transition from child to what they call a teen. I was a late bloomer. I started being a true American teen when I was 19. That's when I had my first kiss and started coming up with a bunch of little lies to embrace living life. I was rebelling. A little late but I was doing it. I finally felt like I wasn't missing out on what it was like to grow up.

That is until I became twenty-two and realized that I am nearly the same person I was when I was 19 except I have a few more fun things of OOPS I did that's to add to the list. At 21 I tried getting my permit to only come to realize they charge more than five dollars for the permit card. I still haven't gone back to the DMV to try and get that permit. I'm giving up on being responsible. I live with my mother and sister and for the most part, they make great roommates. Besides the fact I can't invite dates over it's fine. That's what lies are for or saying you are doing something you aren't is a thing. DUH. I still haven't let go of that newly found teenage rebellion.

Now that I think about it a big part of growing up is owning up to what you are doing. Being mature about it. Things like saying, "I'm going on a date." to my mother and answering all her questions about who the next Bumble bachelor is. Yeah right, am I going to be doing that any time soon. Most of these guys aren't worth explaining to my mother. Maybe I should just marry off young to someone who has their shit together so I can be someone taken care of? These are all the things being twenty-two makes me think of. Along with taxes, credit, health care, and cutting down on sugar.

Here's to being confused, overwhelmed, uninspired, and twenty-two. And to my fellow friends who are just as overwhelmed by growing up: someone told me it gets better but I'm not sure if I believe them.