WTF, WHERE The F, Did The Time Go?

Officially, I have three weeks until the Fall term is over. Within the next three weeks, I will be running an event on campus and putting together a presentation on it, doing an ECG lab and taking a final, and finishing the rest of an online class. Since the start of the term, I have been trying to take it project by project, and it's worked so far! The next three weeks are going to be a rush but it's all doable and I've got to remind myself of that.

Time goes by so fast sometimes.

I am proud of the accomplishments I have made within the last 8 weeks. The biggest one that will set me up for success is that I have found a site to intern at. It's near home and with someone who I think I'll get along with. Another few accomplishments are ones like not having any late assignments, getting a 95 on my first physiology test, and putting a bulletin board up. These are the school and future-related things I am proud of doing.

On a more personal level, I have managed to decrease my anxiety and depression. In the last couple of weeks, it has been slowly fading. I am at ease with my emotional life being lighter and less down. I feel like I am a lot more relaxed in general and I am able to think more clearly. BABY, MY INSPIRATION, MUSE, and LIFE IS COMING BACK! (The overthinker in me hopes that it doesn't become too good.)

I've acquired a nose stud. It's something I've wanted for a while now and I finally have it. I'm super excited about having a little edge on the outside glitter. Intelligent people can wear glitter on their faces. It's fine. I am adoring it. Within a couple of days wearing it, I feel like it has given me a boost of confidence. It's interesting how something little like jewelry can do that.

What else is there to talk about?

People and seasons. I've always enjoyed how people come in and out of my life like seasons. I tend not to be too emotionally connected to them but I will always hold them in my heart. People are special. Even if they hurt you in the end. It's like trauma situations. They suck but there is a silver lining. Same thing applies to humans!

Twenty-two and still can't drive but I think I'll change that soon. I do have a neat stud though. (; CAN WE PLEASE SLOW DOWN TIME TOO?...

Thankful for the friend I saw today. The coffee bean worker who is a kinder soul bought me coffee . I think he will go far. Thankful for my little ray of a sister as well and my better mental health.

Random Bits of Fucked

When I was 16 I use to do a post series on one of my blogs called random rambles. I'm not sure if I officially named in that but they were posts that had more than one topic in them, no direction, and simply vomited my thoughts out into the universe. I think this is what my mind needs today. To see the thoughts that are floating around in my mind in words on a blog.

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I am negative enough in my own mind that when others spill their negativity or bad attitude out into the world I say I don't need that and move myself to somewhere where they are not. One of the therapists I had, once told me that coping mechanisms are formed during childhood. The more I thought about how my childhood coping mechanisms show up in my daily life the more I realized how fucked I was. When I was a child, I could only handle so much attention to me that when my parents threw me birthday parties with all my friends it wasn't long until I walked myself to a room with no one to cry. I still walk away from situations that I'm done with to cry in hopes of making it evident that I need to leave. Childhood me could have chosen a better way to cope than crying. 

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The internet says there is no time to be sad if you are a boss babe but I think that's bullshit. I think that if being sad is what I have to do in order to feel better than I should do it. I'll just have to try not to stay in the sad cycle for too long. Someone, please tell me why others think there's no time for emotions? Those make humans human! That's not what I want. The highs are lows are necessary to maintain emotional wellbeing. 

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I have my first advanced physiology test in a week and I am already studied out. This topic makes me feel defeated. In another of my classes, I got put into a group with someone who had admitted to wanted to give me their world and also got rejected by me. I'm so in my head around this person.

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Pathetic is me growing romantic connections with people I haven't met. This person is practically trapped inside my phone and will most likely never be around to actually hang out with me. So that's pretty fucked up. Thank you internet for cursing me with the mindset that people I haven't met in person are just as real as people I have met.

As if I needed someone fictional in my life to daydream about. At least this fits my super introverted and sometimes very busy lifestyle.

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22 years of age and im getting distracted by things like tic toc, instagram, snapchat, and youtube. Could I be anymore not put together? 

WTF I'm Twenty Something

I am sitting in the corner of my bedroom on the carpet and I'm talking to a friend who seems to be going through a little of what I've been feeling lately. Overwhelmed by time slipping away and not knowing where to go and what to do. Something about being in my twenties makes me want to sit in the corner of my room, provided by my mother, all day long. Sitting here on the carpet seems safe.

Being twenty-something is a huge WTF. One day I woke up (all of a sudden!) an age where I am considered an adult, am suppose to be working, have my shit somewhat together, and learn how to live independently. I don't know how to do any of that and I think that a lot of others don't know how to do that either. The ones that seem to be doing it are faking it, I'm convinced. I want to stay a child all my life but at the same time, I want to see the world, do this thing called growing up, and "live it up," but I'm scared. Life after graduation makes me want to run too. Working for the rest of my life sounds dreadful. What does it even mean to be twenty-something?

This blog post reminds me of some of my very first blog posts. Rambly with somewhat of a point but not directed in any way. I was maybe 14 when I first blogged the weird transition from child to what they call a teen. I was a late bloomer. I started being a true American teen when I was 19. That's when I had my first kiss and started coming up with a bunch of little lies to embrace living life. I was rebelling. A little late but I was doing it. I finally felt like I wasn't missing out on what it was like to grow up.

That is until I became twenty-two and realized that I am nearly the same person I was when I was 19 except I have a few more fun things of OOPS I did that's to add to the list. At 21 I tried getting my permit to only come to realize they charge more than five dollars for the permit card. I still haven't gone back to the DMV to try and get that permit. I'm giving up on being responsible. I live with my mother and sister and for the most part, they make great roommates. Besides the fact I can't invite dates over it's fine. That's what lies are for or saying you are doing something you aren't is a thing. DUH. I still haven't let go of that newly found teenage rebellion.

Now that I think about it a big part of growing up is owning up to what you are doing. Being mature about it. Things like saying, "I'm going on a date." to my mother and answering all her questions about who the next Bumble bachelor is. Yeah right, am I going to be doing that any time soon. Most of these guys aren't worth explaining to my mother. Maybe I should just marry off young to someone who has their shit together so I can be someone taken care of? These are all the things being twenty-two makes me think of. Along with taxes, credit, health care, and cutting down on sugar.

Here's to being confused, overwhelmed, uninspired, and twenty-two. And to my fellow friends who are just as overwhelmed by growing up: someone told me it gets better but I'm not sure if I believe them.