Hormones

I said something the other day to someone about crying a lot becuase of the hormones in my body. I am now distracted by a ladybug who just so happened to land on a nearby ledge. A little sign of hope or luck in these times of high hormonal build up. It seems that before and after getting my period I get sad. Everything makes me cry. Yesterday, something upset me and today I can't help to tear up at words, music, and the thoughts in my head. I cry a lot. I think that's how I tend to cope with my emotions too.

Referring back to what I said in my last post about crying if you need to regardless of whether you have time or not is relevant. I want to cry becuase it helps me feel better. I think I am someone who is emotionally inclined! I want to cry more tears than I have left in my body. Build up of hormones could definitely make depression seem more dramatic.

Just putting it out there. Everyone has estrogen and testosterone. Males have more testosterone than females who are primarily estrogen heavy. I state this because someone pointed out females don't have testosterone so they get attached and fall in love and males don't because they have it. I'm calling bullshit.

I think I need more of these random non-directive posts in my life. It just feels good to spill out what is in my head on a platform that "put's it out into the world."

I took swings of my coffee to try and wake my TIRED, HORMONAL, AND ANXIOUS mind for the meeting I am about to have with one of my professors. I think all three of those things are closely related in terms of physiology. One affects the other affecting the other. Coffee probably isn't REALLY helping but oh well.

Overwhelming Overload

I am three days away from starting what I hope will be my last year of college. Summer depression has kicked me in the gut hard and I am questioning my ability to get back into the routine of a busy school year. Can I do it? Will I make it out alive? It sounds daunting as of now.

I always have nerves about starting new things/projects. An overwhelming overload of ideas and expectations make their way to my mind before I can figure out the first couple of steps. It feels like it's always been that way for me. I get so caught up in the major projects that I forget to simply take the task step by step.

Planning out words in my head before I say the first couple is something I am guilty of doing. Since I was little I'd plan my answer to the question the teacher was asking before she had the chance to call anyone or me. Not one breath of air would make it to my lungs until I was in the clear. A lot of my life now has a similar plot.

My body becomes tense when I think of the future. I don't see things step by step. I just see the big and fearful milestones I have to reach eventually. This kind of thinking makes it seem impossible to get there. And although worrying won't solve it, in some messed up way, worrying is part of my process. It may not be healthy but that's how I've gotten through it.

A few self reminders//
I am going into a classroom of people who I know are supportive of me.
Not look too far ahead into the syllabus and due dates
Dance it out when I need a small amount of feel better
It's okay to be awkward- it's cute
Life will figure itself out. I am where I need to be at this moment