Overwhelming Overload

I am three days away from starting what I hope will be my last year of college. Summer depression has kicked me in the gut hard and I am questioning my ability to get back into the routine of a busy school year. Can I do it? Will I make it out alive? It sounds daunting as of now.

I always have nerves about starting new things/projects. An overwhelming overload of ideas and expectations make their way to my mind before I can figure out the first couple of steps. It feels like it's always been that way for me. I get so caught up in the major projects that I forget to simply take the task step by step.

Planning out words in my head before I say the first couple is something I am guilty of doing. Since I was little I'd plan my answer to the question the teacher was asking before she had the chance to call anyone or me. Not one breath of air would make it to my lungs until I was in the clear. A lot of my life now has a similar plot.

My body becomes tense when I think of the future. I don't see things step by step. I just see the big and fearful milestones I have to reach eventually. This kind of thinking makes it seem impossible to get there. And although worrying won't solve it, in some messed up way, worrying is part of my process. It may not be healthy but that's how I've gotten through it.

A few self reminders//
I am going into a classroom of people who I know are supportive of me.
Not look too far ahead into the syllabus and due dates
Dance it out when I need a small amount of feel better
It's okay to be awkward- it's cute
Life will figure itself out. I am where I need to be at this moment

Playlist Stalking

M U S I C.

It's been on my mind. I think I learn about someone by the music they listen to... and especially the playlists they create. Playlist stalking is a new hobby I've been exploring. I follow a few of my friends on Spotify and recently I have been snooping through their public playlists. (Don't tell on me!) Hours have faded away listening to the playlists of other humans.

Music tells a story that is deeper than what someone can share. That's what I love about this newfound hobby. I feel as if I am reading someone's diary without having to endure the details. Music is personal without being invasive. The general concept of someone's lives is outlined through the melodies and the message of the song's words. Their soul flows through the music they listen to.

Some songs make me feel so intensely that music doesn't seem real. How is it possible that the words sung by a human I've never met make emotions that have been stored in the deepest parts of my soul shine. This is what I'm thinking about on a Thursday afternoon. I don't have much else to do anyway. I discovered a song that someone else has emotional ties to and I find myself loving that song- wanting to hold it, and I think of how the other person listening to that song is maybe, feelings something similar.

Music is powerful and I guess that's why I've been loving listening to the songs others have been listening to. I'm trying to find similarities and connections in a world that I've felt is lacking those things. I'm secretly looking for people with souls like mine but I'm too scared to admit to doing that out loud and in obvious ways. I look for deeper in the things people chose to place into their lives like music.

Playlists being little chapters of someone's life-- that I will uncover in secret. 

Awkward {Kisses}

1// Girls Gotta Eat's podcast reminded me of one of the most awkward kisses I've had. First and foremost, the first prize winner of awkward kisses I've had goes to the lifeguard whose kiss was the temperature of a lukewarm chlorine puddle at the side of the pool. Take your prize, my dude. (Yes, this is harsh since it was his first time touching lips with someone else.)

2// The guy I am reminded of is the guy who kissed me close-lipped like one might kiss a frog. I went in for a cute quick parted lip locked kiss and his lips got stuck in the middle of mine. Both of his lips. Come to think about it, they were thin. People say a first kiss can make or break something and in this case, it wiped away one of the cutest dates I've been on. I just couldn't get the kiss out of my mind. 

Months later, tonight, I remembered a small detail about this kiss that made me laugh out loud and cringe on the inside. Days before the date and the kiss we texted, WE had a conversation about first kisses. I dug a hole for myself by saying tounge on the first kiss is a no go. Which to this day, personally, I don't enjoy on date one (it's not classy) but I got kissed with closed lips like this guy was a germaphobe all because I had texted no tongue might have been worse.

3// "We're parked outside of your house with your mother home though," I said to the guy who was then going to introduce me to his mother on our first date. Today and about a year and a half later he is receiving the third most awkward kiss award. 

This guy wanted to introduce me to his mother after we had spent maybe a few hours together. I've now discovered that meeting parents on the first date is a red flag. There we were parked outside of his house in his car about to kiss. After the kiss had happened he said something along the lines of that being a terrible first kiss because he felt like his nerves got to him. I could not have agreed more with him, but everyone makes mistakes, right? I let him try again and guess what, it didn't get any better. The thought of meeting his mother on our FRIST date had blocked out any enjoyment I would have had kissing him.

NOTES: Tounges a no go and please, leave the nerves out of kisses and mothers out of first dates.  

WTF I'm Twenty Something

I am sitting in the corner of my bedroom on the carpet and I'm talking to a friend who seems to be going through a little of what I've been feeling lately. Overwhelmed by time slipping away and not knowing where to go and what to do. Something about being in my twenties makes me want to sit in the corner of my room, provided by my mother, all day long. Sitting here on the carpet seems safe.

Being twenty-something is a huge WTF. One day I woke up (all of a sudden!) an age where I am considered an adult, am suppose to be working, have my shit somewhat together, and learn how to live independently. I don't know how to do any of that and I think that a lot of others don't know how to do that either. The ones that seem to be doing it are faking it, I'm convinced. I want to stay a child all my life but at the same time, I want to see the world, do this thing called growing up, and "live it up," but I'm scared. Life after graduation makes me want to run too. Working for the rest of my life sounds dreadful. What does it even mean to be twenty-something?

This blog post reminds me of some of my very first blog posts. Rambly with somewhat of a point but not directed in any way. I was maybe 14 when I first blogged the weird transition from child to what they call a teen. I was a late bloomer. I started being a true American teen when I was 19. That's when I had my first kiss and started coming up with a bunch of little lies to embrace living life. I was rebelling. A little late but I was doing it. I finally felt like I wasn't missing out on what it was like to grow up.

That is until I became twenty-two and realized that I am nearly the same person I was when I was 19 except I have a few more fun things of OOPS I did that's to add to the list. At 21 I tried getting my permit to only come to realize they charge more than five dollars for the permit card. I still haven't gone back to the DMV to try and get that permit. I'm giving up on being responsible. I live with my mother and sister and for the most part, they make great roommates. Besides the fact I can't invite dates over it's fine. That's what lies are for or saying you are doing something you aren't is a thing. DUH. I still haven't let go of that newly found teenage rebellion.

Now that I think about it a big part of growing up is owning up to what you are doing. Being mature about it. Things like saying, "I'm going on a date." to my mother and answering all her questions about who the next Bumble bachelor is. Yeah right, am I going to be doing that any time soon. Most of these guys aren't worth explaining to my mother. Maybe I should just marry off young to someone who has their shit together so I can be someone taken care of? These are all the things being twenty-two makes me think of. Along with taxes, credit, health care, and cutting down on sugar.

Here's to being confused, overwhelmed, uninspired, and twenty-two. And to my fellow friends who are just as overwhelmed by growing up: someone told me it gets better but I'm not sure if I believe them.