I said something the other day to someone about crying a lot becuase of the hormones in my body. I am now distracted by a ladybug who just so happened to land on a nearby ledge. A little sign of hope or luck in these times of high hormonal build up. It seems that before and after getting my period I get sad. Everything makes me cry. Yesterday, something upset me and today I can't help to tear up at words, music, and the thoughts in my head. I cry a lot. I think that's how I tend to cope with my emotions too.
Referring back to what I said in my last post about crying if you need to regardless of whether you have time or not is relevant. I want to cry becuase it helps me feel better. I think I am someone who is emotionally inclined! I want to cry more tears than I have left in my body. Build up of hormones could definitely make depression seem more dramatic.
Just putting it out there. Everyone has estrogen and testosterone. Males have more testosterone than females who are primarily estrogen heavy. I state this because someone pointed out females don't have testosterone so they get attached and fall in love and males don't because they have it. I'm calling bullshit.
I think I need more of these random non-directive posts in my life. It just feels good to spill out what is in my head on a platform that "put's it out into the world."
I took swings of my coffee to try and wake my TIRED, HORMONAL, AND ANXIOUS mind for the meeting I am about to have with one of my professors. I think all three of those things are closely related in terms of physiology. One affects the other affecting the other. Coffee probably isn't REALLY helping but oh well.
i do this
Showing posts with label i do this. Show all posts
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Overwhelming Overload
I am three days away from starting what I hope will be my last year of college. Summer depression has kicked me in the gut hard and I am questioning my ability to get back into the routine of a busy school year. Can I do it? Will I make it out alive? It sounds daunting as of now.
I always have nerves about starting new things/projects. An overwhelming overload of ideas and expectations make their way to my mind before I can figure out the first couple of steps. It feels like it's always been that way for me. I get so caught up in the major projects that I forget to simply take the task step by step.
Planning out words in my head before I say the first couple is something I am guilty of doing. Since I was little I'd plan my answer to the question the teacher was asking before she had the chance to call anyone or me. Not one breath of air would make it to my lungs until I was in the clear. A lot of my life now has a similar plot.
My body becomes tense when I think of the future. I don't see things step by step. I just see the big and fearful milestones I have to reach eventually. This kind of thinking makes it seem impossible to get there. And although worrying won't solve it, in some messed up way, worrying is part of my process. It may not be healthy but that's how I've gotten through it.
A few self reminders//
I am going into a classroom of people who I know are supportive of me.
Not look too far ahead into the syllabus and due dates
Dance it out when I need a small amount of feel better
It's okay to be awkward- it's cute
Life will figure itself out. I am where I need to be at this moment
I always have nerves about starting new things/projects. An overwhelming overload of ideas and expectations make their way to my mind before I can figure out the first couple of steps. It feels like it's always been that way for me. I get so caught up in the major projects that I forget to simply take the task step by step.
Planning out words in my head before I say the first couple is something I am guilty of doing. Since I was little I'd plan my answer to the question the teacher was asking before she had the chance to call anyone or me. Not one breath of air would make it to my lungs until I was in the clear. A lot of my life now has a similar plot.
My body becomes tense when I think of the future. I don't see things step by step. I just see the big and fearful milestones I have to reach eventually. This kind of thinking makes it seem impossible to get there. And although worrying won't solve it, in some messed up way, worrying is part of my process. It may not be healthy but that's how I've gotten through it.
A few self reminders//
I am going into a classroom of people who I know are supportive of me.
Not look too far ahead into the syllabus and due dates
Dance it out when I need a small amount of feel better
It's okay to be awkward- it's cute
Life will figure itself out. I am where I need to be at this moment
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Playlist Stalking
M U S I C.
It's been on my mind. I think I learn about someone by the music they listen to... and especially the playlists they create. Playlist stalking is a new hobby I've been exploring. I follow a few of my friends on Spotify and recently I have been snooping through their public playlists. (Don't tell on me!) Hours have faded away listening to the playlists of other humans.
Music tells a story that is deeper than what someone can share. That's what I love about this newfound hobby. I feel as if I am reading someone's diary without having to endure the details. Music is personal without being invasive. The general concept of someone's lives is outlined through the melodies and the message of the song's words. Their soul flows through the music they listen to.
Some songs make me feel so intensely that music doesn't seem real. How is it possible that the words sung by a human I've never met make emotions that have been stored in the deepest parts of my soul shine. This is what I'm thinking about on a Thursday afternoon. I don't have much else to do anyway. I discovered a song that someone else has emotional ties to and I find myself loving that song- wanting to hold it, and I think of how the other person listening to that song is maybe, feelings something similar.
Music is powerful and I guess that's why I've been loving listening to the songs others have been listening to. I'm trying to find similarities and connections in a world that I've felt is lacking those things. I'm secretly looking for people with souls like mine but I'm too scared to admit to doing that out loud and in obvious ways. I look for deeper in the things people chose to place into their lives like music.
Playlists being little chapters of someone's life-- that I will uncover in secret.
Music tells a story that is deeper than what someone can share. That's what I love about this newfound hobby. I feel as if I am reading someone's diary without having to endure the details. Music is personal without being invasive. The general concept of someone's lives is outlined through the melodies and the message of the song's words. Their soul flows through the music they listen to.
Some songs make me feel so intensely that music doesn't seem real. How is it possible that the words sung by a human I've never met make emotions that have been stored in the deepest parts of my soul shine. This is what I'm thinking about on a Thursday afternoon. I don't have much else to do anyway. I discovered a song that someone else has emotional ties to and I find myself loving that song- wanting to hold it, and I think of how the other person listening to that song is maybe, feelings something similar.
Music is powerful and I guess that's why I've been loving listening to the songs others have been listening to. I'm trying to find similarities and connections in a world that I've felt is lacking those things. I'm secretly looking for people with souls like mine but I'm too scared to admit to doing that out loud and in obvious ways. I look for deeper in the things people chose to place into their lives like music.
Playlists being little chapters of someone's life-- that I will uncover in secret.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)