Hormones

I said something the other day to someone about crying a lot becuase of the hormones in my body. I am now distracted by a ladybug who just so happened to land on a nearby ledge. A little sign of hope or luck in these times of high hormonal build up. It seems that before and after getting my period I get sad. Everything makes me cry. Yesterday, something upset me and today I can't help to tear up at words, music, and the thoughts in my head. I cry a lot. I think that's how I tend to cope with my emotions too.

Referring back to what I said in my last post about crying if you need to regardless of whether you have time or not is relevant. I want to cry becuase it helps me feel better. I think I am someone who is emotionally inclined! I want to cry more tears than I have left in my body. Build up of hormones could definitely make depression seem more dramatic.

Just putting it out there. Everyone has estrogen and testosterone. Males have more testosterone than females who are primarily estrogen heavy. I state this because someone pointed out females don't have testosterone so they get attached and fall in love and males don't because they have it. I'm calling bullshit.

I think I need more of these random non-directive posts in my life. It just feels good to spill out what is in my head on a platform that "put's it out into the world."

I took swings of my coffee to try and wake my TIRED, HORMONAL, AND ANXIOUS mind for the meeting I am about to have with one of my professors. I think all three of those things are closely related in terms of physiology. One affects the other affecting the other. Coffee probably isn't REALLY helping but oh well.

Random Bits of Fucked

When I was 16 I use to do a post series on one of my blogs called random rambles. I'm not sure if I officially named in that but they were posts that had more than one topic in them, no direction, and simply vomited my thoughts out into the universe. I think this is what my mind needs today. To see the thoughts that are floating around in my mind in words on a blog.

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I am negative enough in my own mind that when others spill their negativity or bad attitude out into the world I say I don't need that and move myself to somewhere where they are not. One of the therapists I had, once told me that coping mechanisms are formed during childhood. The more I thought about how my childhood coping mechanisms show up in my daily life the more I realized how fucked I was. When I was a child, I could only handle so much attention to me that when my parents threw me birthday parties with all my friends it wasn't long until I walked myself to a room with no one to cry. I still walk away from situations that I'm done with to cry in hopes of making it evident that I need to leave. Childhood me could have chosen a better way to cope than crying. 

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The internet says there is no time to be sad if you are a boss babe but I think that's bullshit. I think that if being sad is what I have to do in order to feel better than I should do it. I'll just have to try not to stay in the sad cycle for too long. Someone, please tell me why others think there's no time for emotions? Those make humans human! That's not what I want. The highs are lows are necessary to maintain emotional wellbeing. 

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I have my first advanced physiology test in a week and I am already studied out. This topic makes me feel defeated. In another of my classes, I got put into a group with someone who had admitted to wanted to give me their world and also got rejected by me. I'm so in my head around this person.

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Pathetic is me growing romantic connections with people I haven't met. This person is practically trapped inside my phone and will most likely never be around to actually hang out with me. So that's pretty fucked up. Thank you internet for cursing me with the mindset that people I haven't met in person are just as real as people I have met.

As if I needed someone fictional in my life to daydream about. At least this fits my super introverted and sometimes very busy lifestyle.

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22 years of age and im getting distracted by things like tic toc, instagram, snapchat, and youtube. Could I be anymore not put together?